I can think of multiple times where I've "lost it". Such as: Snapping at my mom for some silly reason, in front of all our friends on a camping trip. Or the time I ruined a trip to a dear friend's house we were visiting, because I thought they were talking about me. Then shortly after that, I tried blowing up my marriage because I was trying sabotage every relationship important to me. I didn't feel deserving because I wasn't being authentic in anything I did, I was constantly betraying myself. This pattern has carried over into almost every relationship I've had, up until about a year ago and a half ago.
On a desperate day, I can honestly say I no longer wanted to be here. I remember writing a letter, some may say it was a goodbye letter, event though I had no intention of doing so. It just felt good to get the words out that weren't serving me anymore. Feelings of not being enough for anyone. Thoughts of feeling disconnect & lost. I went to bed early that night probably because I drank too much. I was upset because Jason stayed with his friends an extra night on a hunting trip, when I was expecting on having date night. I woke up to him in the middle of the morning. He sensed something was wrong and rushed home. I'm pretty sure he read my note.
The next morning I woke up sick to my stomach when I realized he probably read my note. The realization of the pressure I was putting on him to make me happy. How bad I felt putting him through that when his best friend died from suicide. It was that day I decided to "lose it": MY EGO. I was done being a victim.
This last year has been an incredible journey of peeling back layers and licking old wounds, so that I can be there for my family. I can't be the darkness in the world, only the light. I'm now chasing a bright new path & giving it my all.
Thank you to all my friends & family for the grace you've had to support my ups & downs along the way. I love you so much!